Got to work late because the cousin we called in to watch Maya got here late. Ok, no problem, I’ll work really really efficiently and stay late. I set up 8 desktops and had them each running batch scripts in Matlab before, as it tends to do, Matlab went apeshit and started giving me error messages all over the place. I tried to solve it for a while, then worked on some other stuff, then got some different error messages, then worked on other stuff, then gave up on it and told Sean I was coming home. Then it started working. Then I gave up on it anyway.
As soon as I walked in the door: “Maya was so fussy. She cried all day and she barely napped.”
Where have I heard that before….oh yeah, her first daycare.
I sent Sean and his family out to dinner and stayed home to put Maya to bed. I nursed her for a few minutes and she passed out hard.
I feel so fucking guilty. She is going through a really clingy stage and she wants to be held and nursed as much as possible. So I feel guilty for making her like this — it’s gotta be my fault, right? — and then I feel guilty for not being with her during the day when she clearly wants comfort and love.
There are things I like about my job — I like solving problems, I like making progress — but I feel so fucking guilty leaving Maya. Fuck.