Another Wednesday, another guilty working mom

Got to work late because the cousin we called in to watch Maya got here late. Ok, no problem, I’ll work really really efficiently and stay late. I set up 8 desktops and had them each running batch scripts in Matlab before, as it tends to do, Matlab went apeshit and started giving me error messages all over the place. I tried to solve it for a while, then worked on some other stuff, then got some different error messages, then worked on other stuff, then gave up on it and told Sean I was coming home. Then it started working. Then I gave up on it anyway.

As soon as I walked in the door: “Maya was so fussy. She cried all day and she barely napped.”

Where have I heard that before….oh yeah, her first daycare.

I sent Sean and his family out to dinner and stayed home to put Maya to bed. I nursed her for a few minutes and she passed out hard.

I feel so fucking guilty. She is going through a really clingy stage and she wants to be held and nursed as much as possible. So I feel guilty for making her like this — it’s gotta be my fault, right? — and then I feel guilty for not being with her during the day when she clearly wants comfort and love.

There are things I like about my job — I like solving problems, I like making progress — but I feel so fucking guilty leaving Maya. Fuck.


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